February 8th, 2021
My father is 60 years old today.
I woke up at 9:30 a.m. looked through text messages I had received from people in my life that have jobs and participate in society and did not respond.
SIDEBAR: how fucked is it that to consider someone an active participant in society, they have to have a job? Blah Blah Blah “But, that is your belief! I don’t think that!!” STFU, you do. Somewhere deep inside, you do. Welcome to capitalism.
My body felt like sandpaper because we turned the humidity down in the house to try and prevent frozen condensation on our windows that eventually cause the wooden windowpanes to rot. Now, my skin is tight, itchy, and flaky AND the windows are filled with ice. I am so lucky to wake up and feel guilt. Just an overwhelming sense of dread, because I do not have a job and I have not sent in more than 20 applications since being unemployed. For me, that’s a lot of applications. Starting anything is incredibly daunting and each application I fill out requires a resume, cover letter, additional information, and seven “short response” questions answered that actually require a small essay. Now before I get absolutely derailed by the 40 thoughts in my brain, let’s return to the guilt I feel.
I understand we are in a terrible recession during a global pandemic and I am a recent graduate who did not even intend to join the workforce this year due to receiving a travel grant. I know damn well that I am qualified and investing substantial time into getting a job. AND STILL, I feel guilty about NOT having a job, NOT spending every waking moment sending in applications, and NOT applying for positions I would hate.
This could be a personal problem, but I have it on good sociological authority that this guilt I am feeling is a societal issue that has terrible ramifications in individual lives. For example, after confronting my first dose of daily guilt I congratulate myself for somehow still having enough esteem to believe I have value. Now, if we want to get into personal problems, we could talk about my need to rebel and how it has brought me to writing this passage when job boards are literally pulled up in my other open browser. Or we could unpack how I think I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, but that could just be because I am an enneagram 7, regardless, I have been really proud of myself for choosing and noticing when I have secure reactions. (Yes, I am also too self-aware for my own good….)
BUT THAT REALLY ISN’T THE POINT I AM MAKING HERE. The point is, I am doing everything in my power to become an active participant in our economy, and still, I am continuously consciously and unconsciously told that the reason why I don’t have a job is that I am not working hard enough. Now that’s fucked, but it's super fucked when we are living in unprecedented times of crisis. Not to mention, despite this, I either need to find a way to miraculously support myself and stay sane or I can go insane by reverting to childhood and pray my parents are able to support me.
